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  • How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
  • I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending. (that means I talk down to people)
  • And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  • My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  • I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
  • What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
  • I think my bottom is broken… It has a crack in it
  • If attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.
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