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  • The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
  • Who is a penguin’s favourite relative? Aunt Arctica. #WorldPenguinDay
  • Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
  • When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
  • When will all the rhetorical questions end?
  • What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.
  • What does the man on the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
  • What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
  • Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
  • What do you call a woman who can balance two pints of beer on her head? Beatrix.
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