I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket”
I don't like rap music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like rap music, denigrate means put down.
A thief stole a calendar and got twelve months.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button
Definition of an intellectual; someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing, serves him right.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
A dog went to the flea circus and stole the show.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas; how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
Yeah, I like cats, too; let's exchange recipes.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I find reality TV very educating. Every time somebody turns on Big Brother, I go into the other room and read a book.
My mind is already made up so please don't confuse me with the facts.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
My Mum loved to make doughnuts but she got tired of the hole thing.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
The Invisible Man married the Invisible woman; the kids were nothing to look at.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of my trouser legs and put it in a library. That'll be a turn-up for the books.
A cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi".
I stole some stuff today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires; I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today; I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I rang up a local builder, and said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
I sent my photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club; they sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
Phoned the gym to see if they could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel.