I went to the general store but they said if I was looking for anything specific they probably wouldn't have it.
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I am not technically filthy rich but I do have a lot of stuff that I refuse to share with others.
What are the similarities between a plum and an elephant? They are both purple except the elephant.
Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?
I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
What’s Beethoven’s favourite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaa....
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten.
A snail gets mugged by a gang of tortoises. When the cops ask him what happened he replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Masochist: "Hit me!" Sadist: "No!"
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love & get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Now there's a man with an open mind, you can feel the breeze from here.