There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint, begins to open his wallet & the barman says, "No charge".
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
I like to tease my plants, I like to water them with ice cubes.
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.
I'm on a new diet: I fast between bites.
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick."
I went to the dentist and he said "Say aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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