I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of my trouser legs and put it in a library. That'll be a turn-up for the books.
A cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi".
I stole some stuff today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires; I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
It was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today; I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I rang up a local builder, and said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
I sent my photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club; they sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
Phoned the gym to see if they could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
I'm a dyslexic Satanist, I worship the drivel.
I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? They’re shellfish.
A study in the Times said that women have better verbal skills than men. Duh.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Doctor! I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me. Is it common? Well, it's not unusual.
What did the grape say when he was pinched? Nothing, he gave a little wine.
Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A midget fortune-teller has escaped from prison: Small medium at large!
I want a holiday in Hawaii; here today, gone to Maui.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine has now fully recovered.
I went to the general store but they said if I was looking for anything specific they probably wouldn't have it.
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.