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  • Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...
  • What did one ball say to the other ball? Nothing - he just looked round.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  • If you lend someone a tenner and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
  • A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elifino
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  • I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but I took my girlfriend on a merry-go-round, and I gave her a hot dog once.
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