How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten.
A snail gets mugged by a gang of tortoises. When the cops ask him what happened he replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Masochist: "Hit me!" Sadist: "No!"
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love & get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Now there's a man with an open mind, you can feel the breeze from here.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.
Our therapist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we never see each other.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
I was getting into my car, and a man said to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong but I say whatever floats your goat.
How do you say constipated in German? Farfrompoopin.
What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know as it's never happened.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you already have someone in mind to blame.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’