What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your Grandmother.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork Chop
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
You can get what you want or you can just get old ~ Billy Joel
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Cannibal 1 "I don't like my mother-in-law." Cannibal 2 "So just eat the noodles."
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? Whassup, B?
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish.
I'm paranoid; I have a rear view mirror on my exercise bike.
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint, begins to open his wallet & the barman says, "No charge".
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a headless corpse? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What kind of birds flock together? Velcrows.
You can say any daft thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
Mom said she learned to swim when someone took her to the lake and threw her off a boat. I say 'They weren't trying to teach you to swim'
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
That awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick."
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig.
Problem with the designated driver program; it's not a fun job. If you ever have to do it, enjoy it! Drop them at the wrong house.
Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.