You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
I said to my mother-in-law, "My home is your home." She said, "Get the hell off my property."
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, what a turtle disaster.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags; he's bisatchel.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that….
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry that's wine, wine does that.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
What do you call a French guy in sandals? Phillipe Phloppe.
Magnus Opus: a big Irish cat
Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth; it took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I went to the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
Your ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Two silk worms were in a race. It ended in a tie.
Algebra: A weapon of math destruction.
She asked: "What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He replied: "I like your sense of humour.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge? You can't close the door.