A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
That awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick."
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig.
Problem with the designated driver program; it's not a fun job. If you ever have to do it, enjoy it! Drop them at the wrong house.
Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for minced beef.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Ah, yes, ‘divorce’, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play football on the weekends.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
I guess I prefer to see the dark side of things. My glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, they meet every evening at the bar.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
Housework can't kill you,but why take the chance?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Grammar is important; capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse