I've got a sponge front door; hey don't knock it.
My dog Minton keeps going round the house eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really cheesed me off.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.
Would the person who took our ladder yesterday please bring it back before further steps are taken?
We are all entitled to be stupid. Unfortunately some people tend to abuse this privilege.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide, your absence.
I never admit or deny anything; it makes things more interesting.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
A woman's favourite position is CEO.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
Well my friend, you tried and you failed. The lesson here? Never try.
No Déjà vu please, I don't want to go through that again.
Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
I used to work in a helium factory but I quit; I refused to be talked to in that tone.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I didn't realise I was dyslexic until I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
I'll start being nicer if you start being smarter.
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried once but they wanted cash.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.