I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong but I say whatever floats your goat.
How do you say constipated in German? Farfrompoopin.
What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know as it's never happened.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you already have someone in mind to blame.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.
Can I tell you what people from Corsica are called? Course I can.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued from sinking ships.
Cigarettes are like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.
50 Things To Do Before You Die? I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
The best things in life are free *plus postage & packing.
Did you hear about the police that raided a library in Bucharest?
A girl phoned me the other day and said ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
It takes patience to listen; it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I like to tease my plants, I like to water them with ice cubes.
I rang up BT and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.
I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I didn’t have that much time.
I was on a boat the other day when I saw some meat floating past. I thought, "ah... water's a bit choppy".
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.