I'll start being nicer if you start being smarter.
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried once but they wanted cash.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I went to the corner shop. I bought four corners.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
The lights are on but the dogs aren't barking.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Made a batch of fish eye soup, it should see me through the week.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
What did the mother buffalo say when her boy left for school? Bye son.
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
I said to my mother-in-law, "My home is your home." She said, "Get the hell off my property."
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, what a turtle disaster.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags; he's bisatchel.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll just see about that….
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry that's wine, wine does that.